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Oh for me to hold my tongue is like a pacifist holding a timed bomb. Last night though I knew that it was best, and that I love him and wanted to keep him a happy man.

Shortly after my cigarette burned its remaining embers, I sneakily stepped into the house knowing full well that as soon as I did the conversation would magically appear as if it were on something light and sweet. Sweet and sour sauce with that, anyone?

Even though to be nosey is quite my forté, guilt swept over me for having even eaves dropped at all. That didn’t change the fact that my feelings were hurt and I wanted a band-aid straight away.

Sulking to the bedroom, I brought my computer to vent via my blog. Shortly after plopping myself against our pillows, he made his way down to the bedroom apologizing. Eyebrows raised, I debated in my head how to play this one off. “What for?” Two words that can never fail a woman.

Just as I had suspected. An apology for something completely different than what I’d hoped for. Welcome, come one, come all. Needless to say he caught on simply by the vibes, despite my earnest attempts at being happy, that all was not well on the western front. My deafening silence must’ve keyed him in… hmm.

He decided to stay put next to me for a minute or two before jumping up and telling me his heart-wrenching conversation with his “saint-of-a” father about the Manning brothers. I was hardly moved, and this makes for me being just a dumb girl again. I’m so sorry, but if you can be moved by a family that gets paid in the millions for each game they play, I will hardly be moved by the fact that they’re all millionaires who get paid to do something that’s categorized, in school, as an extracurricular activity.

After writing last nights entry I quickly summoned my “Sanctuary” Bible (a devotional one for women) and knew that I needed to spend some one-on-One time with the one Man who will be more perfect than I could dream of. In a time of feeling quite alone, He beckons me with a warm embrace that I will never forego.

Deciding that my concoction of emotions were worthy of an extra devotional, aimed at my current feelings, I flipped the onion pages to a devotional that did absolutely nothing for me. Alas, I felt alone despite the devotionals that I’d read. God is awesome though, and He loves to play little games. I love those games. My eyes scanned to the left page and lo-and-behold there is Proverbs. I begin to read, as remember that the last devotional that I’d read suggested three different passages to focus on when you’re angry. None of the three were to my liking, or helped me really, though I could see the point and won’t, later on, dismiss this activity from my attempts to cool down. However, I found some really touching and wise things in Proverbs.

God wanted me to see one though, and I saw it.

Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” – Pr. 10:19

Insert foot in mouth. Now.

Had I not been through absolute Hell in the last few years with a psycho abuser, I might be a bit immature to understand that this doesn’t mean don’t talk at all. More so, it reminded me of Ecclesiastes when they speak of a time for everything. This is so true. Then, following 10:19, I jumbled this together for myself:

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.” – Pr. 16:32
*I must choose my battles wisely, and realize what is actually important.*

Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.” – Pr. 13:3
*Other than cutting completely sarcastic remarks (which I can be acidic with), I believe that I’m being called to shut up. Seriously. Humility is being sought fervently.*

A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.” – Pr 11: 22
*Too true; too true and too common. I want so badly to walk that straight and narrow path that leads to God and only Him, and I do not want to conform and find myself a woman who is beautiful amongst many others who may turn to wolves of Satan.*

Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.” – Pr 10: 12
*Goes back to my theory on life: love. Love like a verb. Romans 13:8-10. React with love. Not to mention, who in the world am I to get upset about anything?! Did I hang on a cross for crazy people? No. Did I sacrifice my only child for the salvation of the world I created? No. I sure as heck don’t deserve to be angry about much! I didn’t create mankind and have them turn their back on me. There are larger issues at hand in this life than whether or not he-said-she-said.*

Basically, I kept my mouth shut last night. Not only was that difficult, but I stood the test of Miles being very hurt that I wouldn’t share with him why I was hurt. Debating whether or not to lie, I knew that I was initially in the wrong for even eaves-dropping, and that really that was my sin to deal with. Yes, I lied by omission. I lied in the sense that I told him half of what was bothering me: my mother in regards to the wedding. (More on that later, I’m so sure).

Even though I had spilled my guts out to him, I’m not sure if he believed that was the full story or not, because even as we read our devotional and verse for the evening together in bed, he was very quiet and stricken with sadness. His face was so low I thought he might cry. I bit my tongue. I knew that what I was initially, momentarily at most, upset about was not something that deserved citing. It wasn’t in shame of my own sin of eaves dropping, but the fact that I knew it was petty and that I needed to respect him and not be a wife who brings him unworthy woes.

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Love nor Respect

Eeney, meeney, miney moe.

I’ve been trying to get him to pick up the phone and call his parents. After that, I want to get him started on talking to my parents. Supposedly he is a big family person, or at least that’s what my new husband told me prior to dating. Hook, line, and sinker.

Today we got a hefty check in the mail from his parents for our wedding gift. The sum could practically cover a decent honeymoon, and a fabulous one if we put in even a third of what they gave. Very thankful, and not wanting to be rude, I told him he needs to pick the phone up and thank his parents so that (1) they know that their check didn’t fall into the hands of a preyful psycho and (2) that we’re thankful.

Getting him to say “thank you” is tougher than I thought, but he’s on the phone with them nonetheless, so I figure they know their son and this must be his way of thanking them. Regardless of, it’d be nice for him to finally show some gratitude to me, his family, my family (which will soon be united in ceremony as our family) and possibly even to a stranger on the street.

After sitting upstairs with him (he trails off when he’s on the phone with them, so I feel that I need to stay away) as he talked to his dad, I decided to go to the garage to have a quick cigarette. Luckily, I put the door up only a wee bit so that the harsh winds wouldn’t chap my skin more than it already has, leaving me with the ability to catch two-thirds of the conversation he continued on without my presence.

Hmm, didn’t know that as soon as I left the room (or house) that I was immediately talked about.

“…compensating…”
“…yeah, I tell her how much I love her and why I love her, and I explained to her…”
“…It’s like $500 and POOF. Gone.”
“Really it’s like an escapism…”

UM, HELLO! Please make them aware of the countless faults of your own! Such as, oh wait, I’m sorry. Apparently going to work, sitting down at the computer waiting for dinner, and then returning to the computer promptly after slamming the plate down on the coffee table (the kitchen is not conveniently on the way to the computer) and going back to your gaming counts as being a good, thoughtful husband.

I’m sorry honey, I’m such a bitch.

Sorry about that folks. He finished his convo and came downstairs to the bedroom to tell me what they talked about. *cough* Lies draped in honey.

Honestly though it isn’t the fact that he feels comfortable to talk to his parents in a negative connotation about me, I feel that’s normal, but it’s that he lied about it. That he lied about the fact that he tells me he loves me and why he loves me and how grateful he is – HE NEVER DOES. In fact, just to add to this case, a devotional in the couples Bible we’re using talked of doing that for your spouse. He disagreed and laughed at the author asking, “Who wrote that?” I pointed out the name and asked why he wanted to know and he quickly responded with laughter and mockery. Slightly hurt, I didn’t press it further, hoping that maybe later on it might sink in as a really good idea.

At least I own up to my problems to my parents when I’m talking about my relationship with him.

I’d appreciate the respect.

Oh, I forgot. Girls just want love, not respect. Men deserve all that.

One Left

Waking up to only one cigarette in the box is not exactly a good morning tribute.

Shall Not Want

Everybody has heard Psalm 23. I might venture to say that it’s nearly as popular and memorized as John 3:16. However, many times I find that the Messiah brings to me verses from His book that might be popular (or not so) and they speak loud and clear.

A while ago I wrote a blog about my shopping addiction (in order to help pacify my depression). Just the other night my husband and I had a bit of a falling out, if you will. No harsh words were exchanged, and we weren’t even necessarily angry with one another. Learning to live with someone else and adapt to their ways – compromise – is harder than one might think.

As a wife, I want romance. Cards, flowers, little things done that are oh-so-sweet and not practical. Putting the seat down is not romantic. Sweet and practical and thoughtful, it is; but it’s not at all romantic. I want a lot of things from him. This doesn’t include (or exclude, mind you) expensive and lavish gifts.

Blow drying my hair preparing to go out with him to the bookstore to purchase book number three in the series of Abram’s Daughters (by Beverly Lewis), I pulled out my women’s devotional Bible given to me as a gift last year in April. I haven’t touched this particular Bible for almost a year, and to my utter surprise it was on the devotional for this very day. The book mark not only matched the scripture in reference to the devotional, but it was God’s “Good Afternoon” to me. He answered my prayer.

“The Lord is my Shepard; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.” – Psalm 23, New Living Translation.

(I prefer NIV Psalm 23:4)